195 - Forum Diplomacy Steel Rex

[Ry Vor]

Wait, what?

This is a game where the players have agreed to only communicate through this forum thread - no other way.  The hope is they will all be active in posting their smack, strategy, thoughts, reactions, and maybe do it in a role-playing style.

Its an interesting cast of characters.  Non-participants are invited to post as well, to ask questions, make observations, etc.  Hopefully this will be fun for all and educational for some.  Here are the players:

Jumpingfist  AN

Lord Diamond  BL

Canticar  DA

Vulkar  DW

Telrandir  EL

Drogo  GI

HeadHoncho  GN

Lord Moontree  RA

DuPont  TR

Thudargh  UN

Netsrider  WA

Lord Thanatos  WI

Cheer on your Champion!

[DuPont]

Big Chief No Fart stomped out of the royal lodge and wiped the brains of former king Muza Purpleskin off his club. "This a hovel!" he said, gesturing disdainfully at the rude structure he'd just left. "Me want castle!" Stinkmore Stubby, his ambitious friend, who had put him up to murdering his uncle was all too happy to feed this thought.
"Big lands," he said, sweeping his arms wide to indicate the whole region of Torvale. "Only puny humans. We take it from them. Make them pay us gold and food!"
"Yes. Make 'em kneel to Big Chief No Fart. Make 'em bring me presents. Make 'em build me big castle!"
Noxious Vapus, the royal adviser to the late, lamented Muza Purpleskin, happy that his brains were no commingled with those of his former monarch figured he better start doing his job for the new king.
"Big Chief," he said carefully. "What about Old Men? Old Men have magic. Old men have fire spells. Humans listen good to Old Men."
"Old Men," Big Chief No Fart said as he spat on the ground. "You go to Old Men. Tell Old Men they can have city. Big Chief No Fart not want city - city smell worse than King Muza! Big Chief No Fart want villages to eat. Big Chief No Fart want towns for gold. Big Chief No Fart want to be Big Chief of Torvale so all know I am Big Chief!"
"Old Men need to feed army too," the adviser said. "Old Men might want some as well."
"Old Men smell like dry paper!" Big Chief No Fart roared. "Old men can have as many towns and villages as Big Chief No Fart have fingers on his hand!"
He held up his right hand - the ring finger and little finger were missing where they had been bitten off by a wild cat the Chief had strangled years ago.
"But you tell Old Men - Big Chief No Fart like islands! Old Men not try to take all the pretty islands. Big Chief No Fart build plenty boats and chase Old Men if they think they can have all islands! And Big Chief No Fart not want to be friends with Old Men. Big Chief No Fart leave Old Men alone if Old Men leave Big Chief No Fart alone. If not, plenty brains get splattered with me club!"
Vapus, one of the few of the tribe of Trolls who could actually write, let his new king alone to begin composing a note to their closest neighbors. His world, he knew, had just become very, very complicated.

[HeadHoncho]

(GN-UN) Lord of the Underworld,

Hoo-hoo, greetings from your Gnomish neighbor, I am your diplomatic liaison, Bottlenose! I am greatly comforted by the knowledge that as the two Kingdoms with the best covert operations in the land, the security of our communications must surely remain secret and confidential!

May I inquire about your current interests in Runnimede? And would you be interested in a pact of mutual defense should any outside parties invade our brown and pleasant land?

[HeadHoncho]

(GN-TR)

To Big Chief No Fart, Great Lord of the West, Heir to the Land of Flatulence,

Me Bottlenose of Gnomes. We party at news of your big win over Muza Gross-Skin! Much success and many children to you, Big Chief!

Us Gnomes no like scary pointy Troll sticks. You no like Gnome magic. How about us no come north, you no go south? Until end of Winter, end of Spring, end of next summer, you pick!

[Lord Alz]

Very nicely done, this will be an interesting read if people take the time.

[Jumpingfist]

AN
Deep within the Temple of the Ancients the consuls get a powerful vision. They see an unknown troll with a bloody club raised in the air. The eldest consul speaks "It has begun! We have seen this vision many times, we all know the prophecy." another chimes in "We are not ready we can not yet alter events as we have seen in our visions." The last of the consuls says "The Troll King cannot know of his part in this." They all nod their heads.

a messenger arrives. The consuls agree this is good news it gives us time to study. With the troll ruling Torvale it should deter others from attacking and give us our time we need. Quickly draft a response, not to many word or big word and bring in the fool if he can read it we should have a good chance the troll king will understand it as well. Send the fool to deliver the message we do not want another noblemen eaten.

The fool relays the consuls message. "Big Chief No Fart, We the Consul of the Ancients accept your most gracious terms. We are glad to sme *the fool quickly corrects himself* see your promotion to Big Chief and look forward to hearing from you again. In the interest of being more efficient we would suggest we search southern Torvale starting from two clicks above the city and your forces search the areas in the north. We have a village in northern Torvale that we would like to keep as one of our three villages. we agree when things are settled you will be the Big Chief of Torvale."

a mission for the agents - find the underworld we need to seek peace with them. learn what they are interested in to make peace between our kingdoms.

[HeadHoncho]

(GN-AN) To the Wise and Esteemed Consuls,

We bring you greetings from the south! I am Bottlenose, diplomatic liaison for the Gnomish Alchemical Monarchy. We hear you are now receiving goodwill missives, and are glad to send you tidings of peace and harmony. As our history has shown, we are somewhat insular and not often found outside of our mountains. Certainly we have no designs on Torvale, and I hope the same could be said of you toward Runnimede.

To emphasize our point, we are happy to offer a pact of non-aggression with you, lasting until the end of winter, spring, or next summer, as you prefer. Please let us know if this is of interest to you. Best wishes, and until we hear from you, we remain

Your Short, Stout, and Salubrious Southern Stalwarts,
Bottlenose, for the Gnomes

[HeadHoncho]

OOC (meaning "out-of-character")

On the level of "Everybody Be Cool" I thought I should point out that there is a risk of confusion between AN and TR here, in that it's possible TR might mean the city plus a total of three towns and villages together, while AN may mean the city plus three towns and three villages.

What you both agree to is totally up to you, just want to make sure there is a genuine meeting of the minds so that there is no misunderstanding or hard feelings later.

[Thudargh]

(GN-UN) Lord of the Underworld,

Hoo-hoo, greetings from your Gnomish neighbor, I am your diplomatic liaison, Bottlenose! I am greatly comforted by the knowledge that as the two Kingdoms with the best covert operations in the land, the security of our communications must surely remain secret and confidential!

May I inquire about your current interests in Runnimede? And would you be interested in a pact of mutual defense should any outside parties invade our brown and pleasant land?

(UN)
Greetings my small comrade with the oddly shaped facial appendage!  Have no fear concerning the secrecy of our communications - I shall speak in code.  Atthay ayway ooneay illway owknay atwhay eway aysay.


Hmm...perhaps not.


Ultimately, my interests in Runnimede are the same as they are throughout the land - whatever customers are willing to pay for.  As my closest neighbor, you of course receive a discount! For a mutual defense pact to repel any invaders, I believe a Substantial presence in Runnimede is a fair price.  (Though I would note that the more you pay, the harder it will be for anyone to outbid you later.)

[Thudargh]

(UN-AN)

Greetings my musty and Ancient comrade!  I have heard whispers that you are seeking peace with the Underworld.  All things can be had for a price.  The exact cost depends on what you mean by peace.  Are you looking for an immunity from specific depredations?  For a particular amount of time?  Do you wish to pay extra so that others can't overbid your contract?